201 - You Don't Become Someone New Without Saying Goodbye to Someone Old

Episode 201 feels like the beginning of a new season for Getting After It.

After 200 episodes, I've been thinking a lot about what growth actually costs. We spend so much time talking about becoming stronger, healthier, more disciplined, better spouses, better parents, and better people. But we don't talk enough about what has to be left behind.

In this episode, I share some lessons I've learned from marriage, running, moving to Utah, starting this podcast, and preparing to become a father. I've realized that every meaningful change asks something from us. Sometimes it's comfort. Sometimes it's old habits. Sometimes it's an identity we've held onto for years.

I also talk about why I think the phrase "just wait" gets marriage and parenthood wrong, how obsession can help us grow but also pull us away from what matters most, and why the future version of ourselves is being built in the small choices we make today.

You don't become someone new without saying goodbye to someone old.

I hope this conversation encourages you to take an honest look at what you're holding onto, what you're willing to sacrifice, and who you're trying to become.

If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. And if you know someone with a story worth sharing, send them my way. I'm excited for this next chapter of the podcast and for more conversations with people who are trying to grow, struggle, and get after it right alongside us.

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You're not lazy. You're not lost. You just know there's a gap between the life you're living and the one you're capable of — and that gap is getting harder to ignore.

Every week, I pull apart the mental patterns that keep capable people stuck — comfort disguised as patience, avoidance disguised as strategy, mediocrity dressed up as balance. I bring in philosophy, personal stories from the trails and the trenches, and conversations with people who decided to stop waiting.

This isn't a show about hacks. It's about the harder work: getting honest with yourself, building the discipline to act on that honesty, and becoming someone you'd actually respect.

Keep getting after it.

Transcript

Father’s Day And Men’s Mental Health

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Happy Father's Day, my friends. I am celebrating my first Father's Day. And I know what you're thinking if you listen to the show. Brett, you don't even have a kid yet. Hey, shut up. I have a child. He's just in the womb. He's waiting to be born in September. So I'm a dad. Take that. But anyways, happy Father's Day. Um, Father's Day, as you all are aware, falls in the month of June. Now, June is men's mental health month, and as you know, I'm very passionate about men's mental health. I think for some reason, myself included, men have a very hard time talking about how they're feeling, talking about what's bothering them and talking about things that they're struggling with. It's hard for them to open up. And yesterday, I went out with some friends in the morning. Uh we have a little book club that we're reading, uh, a book called Unwinding Anxiety. It's pretty good. It talks about like the science behind what anxiety comes from, and we decided that we are gonna go on a run before we discuss the book. And so we got together, we all decided, hey, let's let's let's go, let's just go at an easy pace, we'll hit zone two, and we'll just chat. And we ended up having a conversation where it was just four dudes, all of us are completely different, like very different. And we just took the time to talk and open up. And at times when I was like sharing some things, it was a little scary with some of my other friends. Like I could tell they were hesitant to share other things that they were feeling. But there was so much power in just being unified, and like not just unified, I think just as simple as the fact that someone's talking, like, hey, yeah, I've dealt with this before. Um, here's what it did to me, here's what I got did to get out of it. It just makes you feel a little bit more seen or heard. And the point of me telling the story is you don't have to get a group of guys out to go run and then talk about a book or talk about your feelings. Like, I'm not telling you to do that. It works, but what I'm telling you to do is not be afraid of opening up. That's been a challenge I've had my entire life is talking about my emotions. You know, I have on my shirt good. That is Jocko. And I love Jocko. But one thing he didn't he never really talked about when I listened to him in the beginning was opening up about your emotions. And so I took that as a sign that I needed to just suppress everything. If I had any issues, if I had anything I was struggling with, I needed to push it down and I needed to not think about it. And that's not the case. Ever since I've married Allie, ever since I've been a little bit more open with my story, I've gotten better at talking about what bothers me or what I'm dealing with, or when life is really heavy and I don't know what the next steps are. Sometimes it's just good to be hurt. Call my dad or call my brother or my my wife or a close friend who I trust and just talk to them. And that's what I'm encouraging you to do because you matter, your life matters, and people need you. And I've had my own moments where I've questioned those those things, but that is true. Um, that is a hundred percent true. The world needs you. You are unique, you have your own gifts, you have your own talents, even if you don't see them, but the world needs you. So give the world the gift of you, whoever you are, listening to this, and if you need to talk, talk. Okay. That's all I will say about that. But always feel free to reach out to me. Um, you know, I'm a big proponent of this, and if you just need someone to listen to you, I'll do it. We'll have a good conversation, you and I. Heavy stuff, but it's important, it really does matter to me. So let's get into the episode.

A New Season After Episode 200

SPEAKER_00 3:50

Welcome back to the show. This is now a different season of getting after it now that we're in episode 201, guys. That's huge. Um, very exciting. And I want to start by kind of painting the picture of where I want to see this podcast go. Um, you know, I've done a lot of solo episodes this year, this past 100 episodes, many of them were solo. I'd probably say how about 30% that were guests. Um, and what I see the future of the podcast going into is simply I need to change it. I need to change the shape of it. I need it to become something different. And what that is, is I need other people to join the show and talk about their own experiences. I'm one guy. I think you know, I I can talk about specific um lessons I've learned or talk about things that have inspired me from studying or reading about stoicism, whatever it is. But I also want other people who have different life experiences, who have come up in different circumstances, who have achieved something that they didn't think was possible at one point in their life. I want them to come on to talk about their show. And that's where this episode idea came from. Because when I sat down and I was trying to figure out, okay, well, what is the first thing I want to talk about after I hit that landmark of 200?

The Real Cost Of Becoming

SPEAKER_00 5:09

And it is that you do not become someone new without saying goodbye to someone old. We're talking about the cost of becoming who you want to be today. And I'll reference the podcast a lot in terms of like where I want to see it grow, but I'll also tell you about some of the experiences that I've had and how I've managed and navigated certain changes in my life and had to let go of an old version of me that wasn't that wasn't benefiting me in any way. You know, I like to think that it did, but it wasn't. And we'll talk about some certain things. Before we do, my friends, you know this, you know the drill. Let's get into it. Oh crap. I went on my computer, but it's so worth it. Diet Coke. I don't know what it is about these chemicals in here. What is even in this? Oh. Oh yeah. Okay. We got some aspartame in here. I love it. Give me all the chemicals. And for those of you who say, hey, aspartame causes cancer, do your own research. No, it doesn't. Shut up. Um, anyways, let's get into this. Um, the cost of becoming who you want to be. So I want to start off with a quote from Alex Hormozy. He says that when your friends start saying you've changed, remember it's because they don't know how to say that you've grown. Pretty strong start from Hormozy himself. I love that quote. And I think when I take a look at it and like actually think about what he's saying, it seems that something has been left out. And that is that growth does not just change how other people see you, growth changes who you are as a person. And every time you become someone new, you have to say goodbye to someone old. That is the cost of it. That's really it. It's like, okay, for example, Halloween, all right? Let's say every year you're a pirate. You're like Ron Swanson, you're a pirate every single year. You love your pirate costume, but you also love the Black Panther. And you say, Oh, next year I'll be the Black Panther. But Halloween comes around and you're like, oh man, I still want to be a pirate. I'm gonna be a pirate. And you stay as a pirate. And you can't wear both costumes. Maybe you could be the Black Panther pirate, but that's you know, gonna confuse people. If you want to be a pirate, you be a pirate. If you want to be the Black Panther, you be the Black Panther. So one year you finally decide this is it. I'm gonna be the Black Panther. You take the pirate costume and you say, hey, you've served me well, but I'm putting you on the shelf. Toss it up there. You bring the Black Panther down, you put on the mask, you have your claws, you look really cool in the mirror. And your wife even says, That's awesome, Brett. Great Black Panther costume. I've never done that, but you know, just to get the story across. And that is just, I guess, the simplest way that I could say you have to say goodbye to someone old. If you want to you want to get rid of the pirate, you want to stop being that person for Halloween, and you want to be the Black Panther, you gotta choose one or the other. But really, that's what I want to talk about today because we do talk a lot about goals and ambition, discipline, and uh about becoming the best version of ourselves. But what I've noticed is a lot of the times we don't talk about the cost of what that is. We don't talk about what has to be given up and what has to be sacrificed and left behind. Because the truth is every single meaningful change comes with a price. The stronger version of you will cost something, the healthier version of you will cost something. And the better husband or wife, father, mother, leader, or even follower of Christ, that all costs something. Like every dream has some kind of invoice attached to it. And sooner or later, life asks you if you're willing to pay it. The older I get, the more I realize that life really is a series of trades. Like if I want to run an ultra marathon, you have to trade comfort for that. Or if you want a great marriage, you have to trade selfishness, which is one thing I want to pause and talk about for a moment, actually.

Marriage Means Killing Selfish Habits

SPEAKER_00 9:16

When I first married Ali, back in August, fifth uh August 2023, August 5th, um, I was going into marriage thinking that I was going to be able to be the same exact person that I was before marriage, which, you know, if from an outside view and looking back now, I was kind of a selfish person. My goals came before anyone else's. My routine was the most important thing in my priority or like my priority list. And um really looking back now, I wish I could punch that kid in the face. It's the worst way to treat your wife. But I thought that that it would be a simple, you know, change. I would just really be married to Allie. And that wasn't the case because I went months with doing this, and something that I noticed in our marriage was that it was not as strong as I imagined it to be. Like Ali and I are obsessed with each other now, and it wasn't until I decided to sacrifice some of my own goals to support her own or invest just as much in my life in hers that we started to grow and flourish together. Or like when she was having a bad day, I'm the person that needs to be there for her. And I didn't recognize that in the beginning. You know, there's tons of books on um what it means to have a successful marriage, and there's lots of tips out there, but I think the best thing for you to do is like in a situation like that where you are not asked to change, but required to change, you have to get rid of the old parts of yourself that are selfish, that are prideful. You have to do the work to understand, like, okay, if I want my marriage to be the best that it can be, then what do I need to do to make it that way? And going into marriage, I was a little nervous because there were some people who would say things like, hey, you know, you guys are have a great relationship now, just wait till you're married. And wait till the honeymoon phase is over. Wait until you're a year in, you know, wait till you're two years in. There's always that those you just wait people. And I've talked about this on a couple podcasts ago, but I would just say those those guys are bullshitters. They want to to make other people feel bad because they don't have the life that they want, they don't have the marriage that they want, they don't, they're not the fathers or mothers that they uh they want to be. And I think a lot of the times it's because we're not willing to sacrifice some of the things that make us comfortable or make us who we think we are. And when I was in that um, those first few months with Allie, something did not shift until I put in the effort. And now those you just wait people, I have something to say to you. Allie and I's marriage has never been stronger. We're about three years in, we're having a baby, and you can't tell me that the honeymoon phase is gonna end because Allie and I are willing to put in the work to make sure that it never does. We are two people who are committed to becoming better, and two people who are committed to becoming closer to one another. That requires work, that requires sacrifice, that requires you saying, Hey, I'm gonna trade a night out with the boys so I can hang out with my wife and spend some time with her because I've been at work all week and she deserves my time. She's the most important person in my life. And to all those people who say, You just wait, you just wait till I have a kid. Because I guarantee you that that love, that that strength that I get from Allie is going to increase. Yes, it's going to be harder. Yes, there's gonna be some things that I have to give up at that point. Because the whole point of this episode is to become the person you want to bel you want to be, you have to let go of the person you are now. Now, you might be a great person now. Let me call that out. And that's great, but we can all get better, and that's going to require us to make changes. Any change that is worthwhile in life, it's going to cost something. There it's a series of trades, like I said. And I just I don't believe those people who say you just wait. Because if the point is to become a better person, if the point is to be a better spouse or be a better father, then you trading things that only serve yourself for other people will only make you a better person, will only make you get closer to those people. And so that's all bullshit. The you just wait stuff. And pardon my French, but it really makes me m upset. It makes me mad that people think that. And yes, there's times where Allie and I, you know, we just kind of go through life together because you know, I'm busy, she's busy, and we're just there to support. You know, we're not going out and having these crazy dates, but those also are the points that matter too. That after we have a busy day, we come together. And it's like we end our day together every single night. Whenever Allie and I sit down at the dinner table and like we pray on our uh for our food, that's always something I say is like, I'm so grateful I get to spend the rest of my day with Allie. I get to end my day with her because like I've stressed out through the day, she was stressed through the day, she had a lot that she had to get done, but we get to end together, and that's huge. So painting the picture there from Brett, who was very selfish in the beginning of his marriage, to Brett who would do anything for his wife. There's a lot of change that had to happen for that. I had to instead of you know prioritize fitness, my wife is prioritized over that. Like I always will go and exercise, which means I will always take care of my wife. I'll always work hard at work. But the whole reason that I do is so I can take care of my wife and my family. So kind of went on a tangent there, but you have to trade some convenience, you have to trade some certainty. And the question is whether the thing that you want is worth the price. And I've learned that lesson slowly throughout my life, kind of like I just talked about, but there was not one dramatic moment. Um, it wasn't from a book, you know. You you can get tips and tricks from books and all that, but I've learned it through life. I

Moving Away, Running, And Finding Confidence

SPEAKER_00 15:24

learned it when I decided to move to Utah and start a new and a whole different life here, separated from my family, just on my own, where I was going after a job that I felt like I was a little unqualified for, but I would make sure that I was going to put the work in to be qualified. And that turned out to be a great experience. I learned so much from those four years that I'm incredibly grateful for. And it's made me really into the person I am today. It made me rely on myself more, trust myself and my decisions more. And it was only because I decided, hey, you know what? I need to change of pace. I need to get out of Arizona, I need to move to Utah and take this new job. That was a blessing. You know, it started when I was in, I learned it from running when I started to run. Because in the beginning of running, you know, this is a common thing we talk about, but like there's so much discomfort. It's really hard. It's hard to, especially in the beginning, get excited about running. Because the first few runs, the first few weeks, you're going to be incredibly sore. You're only going to be able to run like maybe your long runs three miles, and you're going to be like, Are you serious? Like, how would I ever run a marathon? And I'll tell you how it's through consistency. It is through always deciding that you will choose the discomfort that comes with running for a better outcome, which is you're more fit. Your heart is healthier. You can run seven miles rather than three now. Like, you learn discipline, you learn to stay in the discomfort. Those are all lessons that I've learned because of running. And I wouldn't have gotten them anywhere. I learned it when I've started this podcast because there's a lot of versions of myself. Go listen to the early ones. I was very timid. I did not really share my opinions. I would say, hey, this is a really cool thing I found on the internet. Let me tell you about it. And I wouldn't tell you what I feel about it. That's a whole different thing. It's a whole other conversation. And now, you know, 201 episodes later, I've had to be a little bit more personal with you guys. I've shared a lot on this podcast that would probably have taken me a long time to open up to anyone about, even, you know, my parents, family, even Ali. You know, I I've opened up because what I've learned during the hardest times of my life have made me into the person I am today. And it required discomfort to get there because the ultimate goal of this podcast is to help out. Help you guys out, help you learn lessons that I've learned throughout my life, or maybe you're trying to learn right now. Or, you know, I don't know, open your mind about certain things. That's all that this whole podcast is for. It's not for me. Um, I mean, I enjoy doing it. I've become a better man because of it. But really, I do it because I hope there's one person out there who takes something that I say and says, hey, yeah, you know what? I'm I'm gonna listen to that guy instead. I hope it's the you just wait conversation because I'm telling you, your relationship, anything that you do in life, it's all dependent on how you show up to it. So there you go. But I'm still learning this lesson. And um, going back to when I first moved up to Utah, I had a lot of goals. Like I wanted to do well at work, I wanted to start this podcast, I wanted to become a better runner, wanted to even deepen my faith, and I wanted to become the kind of man I would respect and hopefully attract a nice wife, which that worked out great. But I also wanted comfort. Like I wanted to come home after work and just sit on the couch and watch Netflix or sleep in and not have to go and exercise. And I wanted to avoid difficult things, I wanted the reward without the trade. And for a while, I did try to have both of them. I think most of us do. Like that's the hard part about knowing what we want and understanding where we're at.

Habits, Endurance, And Slow Change

SPEAKER_00 19:17

Because when we understand where we're at, we know the things that we need to change. Like me coming home and watching Netflix instead of working on a podcast, or me sleeping in instead of getting up, get going to the gym early, getting that done so I could focus on the rest of my day. It requires comfort. The old habits that you have, I would argue are probably the hardest to change. Where you're at right now, if you're not happy with your habits, you have to commit. You have to commit and you have to show up. Even if you know you're not performing your best, even if if your goal is to wake up early in the morning and go to the gym, you have to start doing it. You have to set the alarm, get up when it rings, go to the gym. And if you're not energized, if you're not a woke waking up yet, that's fine. At least you're there building the habit. And eventually, you know, three weeks down the road, you'll be like, okay, I can start doing this. I've I'm feeling good. It doesn't happen all at once. Those slow habits, that's who you are. Your habits are an ideation of who you have become. They show you who you really are. And changing those is basically you having to change the person that you are in the moment. Um, and that's difficult for anybody. Not even the most disciplined person in the world, it's gonna be hard for them. Because you're going to have to pay a cost. You're going to have to get rid of that old version of you and make way for a new one. And for a time, it's going to feel really strange. You're like, man, I just I miss my bed. Like, I man, I miss what catching up on my shows until it gets to the point to where you say, Oh yeah, I don't really care about my shows, or oh yeah, I forgot I used to stay in bed, you know, until 7 a.m. or 8 a.m. It changes slowly. But the thing that I have to have to say is like this is where endurance comes in. Endurance does not just mean fitness or running. Endurance means can you sit with something discomfort uncomfortable for a long enough period of time to where you see the result come through? And can you do it with a good attitude? Now, we want like backing up to a little bit more of a, I guess, general examples of what this could look like. Like, we want that fit body. We all want to look like Chris Hemsworth if you're your guy. I don't know what the female equivalent is of that, but we also want their dessert, right? We want that strong marriage, but we also want complete independence. That's what I wanted at the beginning of mine, at least. We want the business, but we also want unlimited free time. And eventually something has to give. You don't get both forever. And that's a lesson I had to learn when I first. Moved up to Utah. And I had to ask myself and get very serious about okay, what is more important to me? Is it Netflix or is it starting a podcast? Because I've had the benefit of listening to podcasts, I've learned so much from them. Do I want to do that or do I want to catch up on arrested development? Or okay, I'm going to sleep in, but then I'll have to go to the gym after work and then I'll have to come home and it'll probably be around 7 p.m. and then work on a podcast, eat dinner, and then go to bed again, do it the next day. Or do I want to wake up early so I can come home around 5 30 p.m., start working on a podcast, have dinner, have some time to journal and think to myself, maybe even record or call a friend or family. I have a little bit more free time that way. But I'm sacrificing the comfort of staying in bed. I hope this is making sense. Because at some point your actions have to match your goals. That realization has hit me hard many times in my life. Because it's forced me to ask a question that I did not really want to answer.

What Are You Willing To Give Up

SPEAKER_00 22:57

I didn't want to answer this question. It's uncomfortable to do it. But it is, what am I willing to give up? Not what do I want. That part's easy. Anyone can identify things that they want in their life. Yeah, of course you want to be fitter. Yeah, of course you want to look a little bit better and maybe lose 10 pounds. Yeah, of course you want to be richer. Of course you want to have that stronger relationship with your wife or spouse. But what are you willing to give up? Because that will outline whether those things are feasible or if they're just dreams. But dreams can become a reality if you're willing to, when that question is asked, what am I willing to give up? Answer it directly. Say, okay, I want to lose those 10 pounds. That's what I want. What am I willing to give up? Okay, I'm not gonna have a bowl of ice cream every night. I'm gonna exercise for an hour a day. I'm gonna eat cleaner. Like those are all things that you have to give up. And it's it's comfort, it's time, it is deliciousness. Like ice cream's good. I love ice cream, but I don't eat it very much because I try not to. I don't know. That's really it. I try not to do it. Sugar-coated lies, as Jocko says. Which, by the way, mom, shout out to you for my uh sugar-coated live shirt I got for Father's Day. That's awesome. But um I think the harder question also is like, what am I willing to sacrifice for it? Because wanting something is free, pursuing it is not. And every goal either costs you something. It's gonna cost you time, energy, or attention. One of those three. I would argue all three. You're gonna have to execute on time, you're gonna have to have energy allocated towards it, and you're going to it's going to have to have your attention. And attention might be the most valuable thing that we have, honestly. Like, because wherever your attention goes, your life follows. I believe that 100%. What whatever you think about, that's who you're gonna become. If you're constantly thinking about how you can be a better father or a better spouse, um better in the gym, like you're always trying to figure out how you can become better, then your actions will follow that. If I wanted to start a podcast, it meant less television, less Netflix, less messing around on social media. And if I wanted to run races, it meant less sleeping in. If I wanted to strengthen my faith in God, it meant letting go of the things that were not helping me become the man that I wanted or intend to be. None of those sacrifices were huge by themselves, but they add up over time. And over time, that is what changed me. You guys know consistency compounds. That's true. It does. And I don't think that I'm I'm better than anybody else. Want to make that very clear. I'm just telling you my own experiences. But I became different through these actions, and that's what I want you to remember because you can do the same thing. This is where growth gets really uncomfortable because growth is not always addition, you're not always adding something. Sometimes it's replacement, and that's hard for a lot of people, including myself. That was it's probably the hardest thing that I have to deal with, is in any growth capacity I have is understanding what I'm going to have to replace for this new habit.

Preparing To Trade Time For Fatherhood

SPEAKER_00 26:31

The obvious elephant in the room is that when I have our baby, when let me back that up. I just helped. Um, but when our baby is born, I know I'm gonna have to do this exercise. Where I'm gonna have to sit down and say, okay, where's my free time? I'm going to have to give it away because I'm gonna have a little baby boy who's going to require me to live. And I know I'm gonna love him. Yeah, I already do. I already talked to Allie about him so much. I talked to all my family and friends about him so much. And that is a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Is okay, well, if I don't get an hour extra a day to do whatever I want to do, that's fine. Because now my purpose is greater. Now I'm actually becoming the person who I want to be, which is now a father. And I will give all my time to that baby. If that means I have to stay up an extra hour to work on a podcast or stay up an extra five hours, I don't care. I'm going to make it happen. But I'm going to replace things that I used to right now, right? Like right now, I'm going to have to replace things in my life to make room for that little baby boy. Because he's priority. It's Allie, baby boy, everything else, and I'm at the bottom. And it is uncomfortable to think about that. Like, okay, what do I need to take away? What sacrifices need to be made? But I can almost guarantee you, because this has been the pattern in my life, is every time I've made a sacrifice like that, I have become a better person. So interesting thought there.

Tarantulas, Shedding, And Outgrowing Yourself

SPEAKER_00 28:10

But I want to talk about uh a little bit about tarantulas, guys. Now, for those of you who don't know much about tarantulas, you're about to get a little uh a little lesson. Every single year, they molt. And it's kind of interesting. They shed their exoskeletons. And the old shell that protected them, it it served a purpose, but eventually they outgrow it. And if they want to keep on growing, they have to leave it behind. That is not a bad picture, honestly, in my opinion, for human growth. The version of you that got you here might not be the version that can get you to where you want to go. Or the version of me that wanted comfort cannot build this podcast. The version of me that wanted to sleep in every Saturday could not train for ultramarathons. And the version of me that only thought about himself could not be a good husband. And someday, the current version of me will have to change too. And it's when that little baby boy is born. Becoming a father will require that change. It's another shedding, another sacrifice. But that is life, everybody. That is life. That's the whole point. Growth is not one finish line. It's funny, when I was talking about how I went on that run with my buddies yesterday, my friend Spencer, who's been on the podcast, um, he said that there is never, you're never done. Like you can have, let's say, the best body in the world. You know, you're you're really fit. And if you want to maintain that, you have to keep doing the things that you're doing. You're never done. You don't arrive at a place and a magical spell happens and says, hey, you can now keep that. Or if you make a million dollars and you want to make more, you're not done. If you want to be a good husband one day, and then the next day, and then the next day, you have to keep doing the same things that you're doing now to maintain that strength and maintain that relationship. You're not really done. There is no one finish line. It is a long process of becoming.

Future You And The Weight Of Regret

SPEAKER_00 30:13

Now, one of my favorite quotes is from Gwyndor Bogle. Um, he's a writer. He's actually, I follow him on Twitter. He's really interesting. But he says, Somewhere in the future, your older self is watching you through memories. Whether it's with regret or nostalgia depends on what you do now. I have thought a lot about that. Because when we talk about growth, we usually think about the present version of ourselves. That version is tired. That version is uncomfortable. That version is waking up early, saying no to things, and trying to become someone more. But what if we looked at it through the lens and through the eyes of our future self? Like 10 years from now, what will you be grateful for? What sacrifices will have been worth it to you? Like what trade-offs will finally make sense then? Because very few sacrifices feel worth it in the moment. That is so real. Very few sacrifices feel worth it in the moment. Like it always feels like you're making the wrong decision. At least for me. Like when I wake up at five, I'm like, I just want to crawl back in bed. I am tired. My testosterone is 136. I don't have it in me. But I have to go. And the train runs don't feel that way. The hard conversations don't. The uncertainty doesn't. But many of the things that we are grateful for later in life, they were uncomfortable at the time. That is one of the hardest parts of growth. And that is why growth requires trust in yourself. It requires you to continuously cast the vote for the person you want to become. And that is that's all it's about. It's just trying to become that person. And again, you will you you might not never make it there. And that's fine. As long as you're trying to become better. That's what's important.

When Obsession Steals What Matters

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Now, I would say another thing that's like really important with growth is that sacrifice, discipline, and growth, those are all good, right? But there's a different piece I want to talk about here: obsession. Um, Chris Williamson, he talked about obsession in a way that I really liked. He said that obsession is friction inverted. What does that mean? It means that you do not push yourself towards the work. The work pulls you towards it. The wake up, you wake up thinking about it. You go to bed thinking about it. It follows you into the shower, into the car, or into the restaurant. Like I have felt that before with running, with podcasting, with work, with projects, and with goals. Obsession is powerful because it creates output without much negotiation. Like you don't need the motivation here. You do not even need that much discipline because the thing keeps on pulling you forward. And when that obsession is pointed at something good, it can produce a lot of growth. But there is a danger, and I want to talk about it because I've fallen into this trap before. Because obsession does not care about balance. Obsession does not care about priorities. Obsession only wants more of that thing. And if you are not careful, it can start stealing from parts of your life that matter more. That is the whole real lesson from the first few months of our marriage, Allie and I, is I was obsessed with all these external things when I should have been obsessed with my wife. And it's something I've had to learn. Because success in one area does not excuse neglect in another. I can spend hours working on a podcast, or I can spend hours training or at work. But if I am sitting next to Allie and my mind is somewhere else, that is a problem. Because podcasts can be rebuilt, miles can be rerun, but my wife does not get that time back with me. And that matters. And I need to remember that. Because growth should make your life better. And it should not slowly consume everything around you. And if you're not careful, the pursuit of becoming better can make you worse in the places that matter most. So, yes, chase your goals. Work hard. Use the obsession when it shows up, but do not lose perspective. Do not sacrifice your highest priorities for your loudest ambitions. They are not always the same thing. That is where a lot of people I think get it wrong. And they think sacrifice means doing more. So sometimes sacrifice means doing less, honestly. Sometimes it means closing the laptop. And sometimes it means skipping the extra uh work session or training session and putting down your phone. Sometimes it just means being fully present with the person that's in front of you. That is a sacrifice too. And it might be the harder kind, because it doesn't feel like it in the moment. And if you're used to sacrificing things, if you're used to this growth trajectory that you're on where you're always choosing the hard thing over the easy thing, when you choose an easy thing like being present with someone, sometimes you might your brain might trick you and say, hey, this isn't what we should be doing. Like let's get back to the grind. Let's go. That's dangerous. That can lead you to be a recluse, it can lead you to neglect others. Like I said, no amount of output or or results will cover the neglect and then these other areas of your life. Like that is so important. So I just wanted to make that distinction here. Um because you should always be asking yourself when you're trying to grow, when you're trying to get different, or you're trying to become a different person. Always ask yourself, who will this make me? Is it gonna make you a better father, spouse, a better person in general? Going to make you achieve your goals more? I think those are all signs where you can say, Yeah, okay, good, I can do this. But if it's if it requires one of those things to sacrifice, my opinion, it's not worth it. Now there's a quote from Surit Chola, I think that's how you say their name, but um, it's

Resilience Through Suffering And Infertility

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tough. And I want to share this real quick because I think it's interesting. It says, it's a fascinating paradox that most resilient people usually have lived through hell. And those that have had very nice, privileged privileged lives are the most fragile among us. And I think there is truth there. Like, not because suffering automatically makes you strong. I've talked about that before. Suffering itself does not make you a wise person. But suffering it can shape people and it can teach them what matters, it can strip away illusions, it can force some kind of clarity, and it can show you that you are stronger than you actually thought. I think if you're learning those lessons through sacrifice, then that's what you are supposed to learn, in my opinion. Like suffering, sorry, not sacrifice, suffering. Suffering has the ability to make you a bitter, angry person, but it can also change you into a better version of yourself. That's why I try to actively choose suffering every day. Just even if it's for an hour, I'm out there trying to run or lift or do something that's difficult for me because I want the result of becoming you know more disciplined or or more regular with my body, you know, all these kinds of things. But there's also a different kind of suffering, like things that aren't given to you or things that you don't want but are given to you, like infertility for me. That I had times of suffering, and I didn't let it make me bitter. Because instead of saying, I can't believe this has happened to me, I can't believe this was allowed to happen to me, I can't believe God let this happen to me. I instead try and think of like, okay, well, how can I grow through this situation? How can I become closer to my wife? And what can I do to learn a lesson from this? The lesson I learned through that situation was that not everything is in my control. And as someone who talks about stoicism, one of the main points of stoicism is that you focus on what you can control and you let go of the rest. I had to actively let go of the fact that I could not produce sperm. And that was hard. Because as a man, you know, it feels like your entire masculinity is just flushed down the toilet. When your doctor says, yeah, you have zero sperm. It's like, wow, okay. You also have zero testosterone, Brad, so that's great too. It just it it's hard. And I could have easily said, you know what? Hey, that sucks. I'm mad. I'm I'm bitter now. I'm pissed off. The world's horrible place. I could have taken that approach, but what will that have gotten me? Not much. The victim mentality is not a good one. Um, I don't think it serves anything. You know, I I I grew during that time, and I became a man that I think I'm I'm more proud of today than back then. Because now when things like that come up, I just say, hey, how are we gonna get through this? You know, what are we gonna do? What's the plan? And you try not to control the outcome. Obviously, there's things that I did that allowed me to be fertile, like I went on different medicines, but I didn't let it I didn't allow it to make me become a bitter angry man. So interesting there. But again, in each season of life, like that I've had, something had to be let go. If I wanted to become a different person, if I wanted to grow, something had to be let go. Either an old belief, an old identity, or an old habit, an old excuse, like that, those are the costs. And it is not always obvious while you're paying it. Sometimes you can only understand it later. Which brings me back to that future self quote. Somewhere in the future, your older self is watching you through memories. That is a heavy thought. Because someday this season will be a memory. Me sitting in this chair talking to you, it'll be a memory. And the choices you're making right now will become the story that you tell later. The habits you are building now will become the life that you live later. And the things you avoid now may become the regrets you carry later. That is not meant to scare you, but it should wake you up a little bit because today matters. Not in some cheesy self-help way, but in some kind of real way. Today actually matters. And the future version of yourself is not built ten years in the future, it's built now in the boring moments and the small decisions and the quiet sacrifices and the things that nobody sees. That is where your identity is built. So that's what I'm trying to get into your head today is that in order to become that person that looks back on these memories now with nostalgia rather than regret, you're like, oh yeah, I remember when I just started waking up at 5 a.m. every day to go to the gym. And now that's a habit. Now that's who you are. But it requires you to give up something now. And this episode is not me saying that I've mastered this, because I definitely haven't. Um, I still wrestle wrestle with comfort. I still get distracted or obsessed with goals, and I still have to remind myself what matters most. But I do believe this: that the life you want will cost something. It will cost you that comfort, it will cost you certainty, time, convenience, and old habits that you've carried for years. And it might cost you versions of yourself that you have become attached to. But comfort costs something too. So does staying the same. Avoiding growth has a price too. Every path comes with a bill. The question is not whether you will pay, because you will. The question is, what are you paying for? Every meaningful change requires sacrifice, guys. Every meaningful change requires honesty with yourself. That is why I believe this more now than ever. You do not become someone new without saying goodbye to someone old.

The Challenge Questions And Closing

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So, this is your challenge. I want you to ask yourself these questions. What version of you are you still holding on to? What habits, what excuses, what comforts, what identity? And what might happen if you finally let it go? The future version of you is waiting. The question is whether you are willing to become them. And that's an uncomfortable question to ask. So, my friends, you can become that person, but you're gonna have to let go of the old you. And that's uncomfortable. Don't try and do it overnight. You will overwhelm yourself, you will burn out. Do it slow. And I know that sounds weird coming from you know a guy who I guess I've talked about this entire podcast how I've done it slow, but it might sound weird to if you want to become someone new, you you gotta do it slowly. But I'm telling you, that is how things have stuck for me. And I've seen that same, that same pattern happen for others too. Is the more that you do it and the more consistent you are, the better you'll get at becoming that person. So I appreciate you guys for listening. I'm excited for this new season of the podcast where I try and focus on getting more people on. Um, and with that, like if you guys know anybody who wants to be on the podcast or might have a good story to tell, I would love to talk to them. But I sincerely appreciate all the support. You guys are the best. If it helped at all, feel free to leave a rate a little rating on Apple Podcasts or Spotify that helps the show grow. And um, yeah, appreciate you guys. Uh, until next episode, figure out what those things are, figure out what you need to change and um whether you are willing to become that person. And until next episode, my friends, keep getting after it.