180 - When Your Identity Gets Threatened

This week shook me.

Not because I failed publicly.
Not because I got injured.
But because things that used to feel easy suddenly became heavy.

I started a new role. The pressure increased. My mental load expanded. And when I went out to run 30 miles… I only ran 10.

What hurt wasn’t the missed miles.

It was the story my mind told me afterward.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why growth often feels like regression
• The psychology of imposter syndrome
• Performance growth vs. capacity growth
• How stress affects physical output
• How to stabilize when your identity feels threatened
• Tactical ways to manage pressure without unraveling

This episode is for anyone who feels like they’re falling behind — when in reality, they may be leveling up.

If you’re in a season where things feel heavier…

Don’t waste it.

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I hope today’s episode sparked something within you to pursue your dreams and unlock your true potential. If you found value in it, consider sharing it with someone who might need that same push.

Getting After It is for those who. want to silence their self-doubt. Refuse to be owned by comfort. Understand their limits are man-made and breakable. We live in a time of constant comparison. Social media drowns us in highlight reels and overnight success stories. But what most people don’t see is the grit behind it all. The reps. The quiet mornings. The sacrifices. The failures.

You are just getting started. Keep Getting After It. 

Transcript

A Week That Shook Identity

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This week really shook me. And not in some painful way, not in some race day catastrophe way or even a catastrophe on its own. More of a quiet way. I started a new role, and it's heavier than I expected it to be. Mentally, it's more difficult. There's more responsibility, more decisions to be made, more expectation from me, and more eyes on what I say and how I perform. By the time I got to yesterday's long run, I was already exhausted. Physically, I was tired, I pushed myself hard throughout the week. But mentally, it was a different game. You know, I I mentioned quite a bit on this podcast how running is is more of a mental game than it is a physical one. Obviously, you need the physical aspects there so you can actually perform. But the reason why there's endurance racers, ultra runners, and any other athlete in that that world is because they understand that their mental ability to stay in the game, to fight through discomfort, is rare. And by the time I got to my long run yesterday, I didn't have that. I was tired in my head. I was supposed to run 30 miles, and I only got 10. And I knew at mile number eight I was not getting 30. I was not injured, I was not sick. I just didn't have it yesterday. And what surprised me wasn't the missed miles, it was the story that hit me afterward. That is where this podcast is mainly coming from today is the mental game that we tell ourselves when our identity is threatened. And I told myself things like, maybe you can't handle this. Maybe you're not the guy you thought you were. Maybe you're about to get exposed. All these things that were relatively negative thoughts that I just couldn't get out of my head because I've it felt like I failed. And that's when I realized something though. The real suffering isn't physical, it's when your identity feels unstable. That's what it was for me. And if you don't handle that correctly, you waste the season that's stretching you, which is exactly a season that I'm in right now, is I am being stretched. I'm being tested. And that's not a bad thing. That is the thing I pray for, actually. I I ask to be to be tested. I ask for opportunities to push myself in ways that I don't get a lot of the times. And the first thing I want to talk about today is the ego hit that I had. Because we all, when we go through hard times, I can almost guarantee each and every one of us questions ourselves in some capacity. It could be our ability to actually do the thing, it could be our ability to actually push through. Can we actually get through this difficult thing that we're faced with? There's a lot of questions that go through one's head. And for me, the ego hit I'm talking about is I have built a lot of my identity around discipline. Things like showing up, doing the miles, producing consistently, and handling workload. And I would say that all these thoughts, the ego hit, the fatigue, it all started last weekend. Last weekend, Allie and I we competed in HyROX in Las Vegas, but I forced us to drop out after the third event. Why? Well, it's story time. And Allie and I, we have been training for HyRox since November of last year. So it's it's been about, what is that, four months of training for this specifically? And uh we were on our way to Vegas, we were pumped. It was a great drive. Uh, we actually we had great conversation. That's one thing I would recommend if you ever have a long trip, um, a long car ride, go with someone that you enjoy talking to. Because with Ali, that time flew by. It's about five hours from where we're at in Mesa, Arizona. And uh by the time we got there, we were excited, we were tired, so we we went to bed kind of early because we wanted to be rested up for the actual event the next day. Our start time was at uh 4:50. So we had a lot of time in the morning just to kind of hang out and get ready, stretch, you know, do all the things that you needed to to get in the zone. And the only thing that sucked was I woke up that day with a fever. Um super annoying, especially on race day. Like I wanted to power through and push through, but you know, I uh I just I figured, hey, I will take this day by or it's minute by minute today and see how I feel when it comes to actually running this race and and performing this race. And we got to the actual event, which was at Mandalay Bay, the convention center there. I just started breaking out in cold sweats. Like my back was wet, it was terrible, I had crazy goosebumps, my hands were purple. Um, and we decided there's like a at high rocks, there's an athlete warm-up section. And so we were over there, like doing some of the events, just trying to get ourselves familiar with the weights. And every time I would do something, I had the weirdest, like lightheadedness, and it felt like I was gonna pass out to some extent. But I shrugged it off, thinking that hey, you know what? I'll have the adrenaline coming with me uh during this race, so I think I'll be able to be fine. And it came to the point to where we got into the Hyrux tent right before we're supposed to start this guy's giving a really cheesy pep talk. Um is actually pretty hilarious. My favorite line from that pep talk was uh if you've been if you're what did he say? If your ass has been beaten by life, it's time for you to go beat life's ass. And I was like, alright, that's you know what, man, I'm really pumped up now. I'm gonna go do this thing. Uh it was really great. So that was a good start to the event. But anyways, so we go out the gate uh for lap one. And if you don't know what a high rox is, it's it's basically a race where you run one kilometer and then you go and do certain events, like you start with a skier rig, then you move on to sled pushes, and then it's sled poles, and then it's burpees. And after that, I can't really remember what it is because we dropped out after the sled poles, but anyways, we start this race, and I immediately feel fatigued, and I'm not feeling good. Um, I don't know if you've ever ran or tried to exercise when you're incredibly sick, but it's not easy and it does not feel good. And I just tried pushing those things aside because I really wanted to do this with Allie, and she was excited to go and perform, and she was doing great. Um I cannot express how proud I am of her for her performance that day because she really was carrying the team there. Uh, but we got to the first event, which is Skier Rig, and I was our our setup was Allie would do 200, I would do 300, she would do 200, and I'd finish off with 300 again. And by the time I was done, I was like, I feel like I just ran a marathon. Like I'm exhausted. What is happening to me? It's all things I I don't really have the opportunity to experience many times, and um then it just continued to get worse as we ran. I felt like that I was just continuing to get drained when we got to the sled pushes. Um, I was pushing it fine, but afterwards, again, it was just like I I just couldn't do it. I felt beaten down. It felt like someone asked me to hike Mount Everest with my with like an 80-pound pack. That's what it felt like. And sled pushes were done, and I remember looking at Allie and saying, Allie, I do not know if I can keep going. I might have to stop. And she's like, just push through. Just let's do one more. Let's do one more lap. Let's see how you feel. And if you still feel that way, then okay. And so we did exactly that. We ran one more lap. Uh, we got to the sled poles, and again, like, performed pretty well there. Our time wasn't too bad. But at the end, like once we completed that event, I I said, Al, I can't. I cannot do this. And that hurt. That hurt a lot because this was not Allie's decision. This was completely mine. And as a training partner with Allie, as someone who's competing in this race with her, I felt as if I let her down. I don't feel I didn't feel that way. I know I let her down. And that stung. And after the race, it was almost the same kind of thing as as what happened yesterday. But I told myself, like, am I not the guy that I think I am? I'm the guy who talks about getting after it, but when it comes to getting after it, can I actually do the thing? And that's what I was saying, how like I tie a lot of my identity into discipline. And it's part of how I see myself. But this week I I'd get done with work and be mentally fried, which was not a good place to be. Like, I when I'm done with work, I like to sit down, hang out with my wife, go do some things, um, maybe work on the podcast or read a book, but at the end of the day, I just didn't have energy for any of that stuff. I'd I'd uh get ready for the gym and I would just stare at my running shoes and have to force myself to get up and actually go. And there was no fire. I did not have an edge, and I just had cognitive exhaustion. That's really what it was. I was just exhausted. And I'm sure you've had times like that too. And when I stepped onto that long run, it felt heavier than it should have yesterday. But here's something important. When your mind is stressed, your body doesn't perform the way that you expect it to. This is a big learning point for me this week. And that is not weakness, that is physiology, physio, physiology. That's what it is. And it's interesting. I I went and I read a bunch of stuff about okay, when the when the brain is stressed, how does that affect the body? And your brain does not know the difference between mental fatigue and physical fatigue, it just is fatigue. And with that in mind, the entire week I was in the red. Like I was pushing, I was in the red. This new role is demanding a lot from me to be successful in. And I'm still new in it. I'm about three weeks in. And now it's like really starting to ramp up where I'm getting assignments and I'm getting um client calls and I'm getting all these different things that require a lot of my time and brain power. And so it is new to me. And with that in mind, yeah, of course I'm I'm gonna be a little bit more mental, mentally fatigued because I haven't dealt with this thing before. I haven't dealt with uh the problems that I'm trying to solve at work. And I learned that with elevated stress, that leads to higher cortisol, which leads to poorer recovery, which leads to lower output. Your brain is an organ, and when it's overloaded, your performance drops. But in that moment, it does not feel like biology, it feels like failure. It doesn't feel like that's normal. It feels like you've let yourself down and that you are not who you say you are. And that's hard. So uh a lot of I think I just moved the camera. Hope it doesn't look too bad. My wife came in and set it up, so I may have just messed up her beautiful work. Your mind creates stories, it's really good at it. You know, you think of your imagination when you were a kid, and you would go out in the yard and you'd pretend that you were fighting monsters with sticks and um throwing rocks at tanks and random things. I don't know, at least this is what I would do as a kid. I'd pretend I was a ninja, uh, a Jedi, all these things, right? And now my imagination is more it's more changed as an adult to think of stories about myself, interestingly enough. And I'll tell you what I mean. But what I've learned about the mind is it doesn't analyze, it generalizes. At least my mind. My mind likes to put out large generalizations about things that are happening. Like one missed workout becomes I'm losing momentum. One difficult week becomes maybe I'm not cut out for this job, and one dip in output becomes I'm a fraud. And that word hit me so hard this week. Fraud. That's a big fear that I have, honestly. Is me opening it up to you. But I never want to be no I I don't want to be labeled as a fraud. And I think the reason being is because I do, yeah, I I tie a lot of my identity into discipline. I tie a lot of it into my performance. Um I'm trying to figure out how I can tie it into other things, but just telling you the reality right now. And it's almost like somehow I'd built an identity around being disciplined and resilient, and now the curtain was about to be pulled back, and someone was going to see how I actually am. One of my favorite quotes from Epictetus is where he says, Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him. That hits me hard. It's one of those moments where you hear something and you think that it was written specifically for you. Because at the end of the day, this job didn't change me. It revealed something. It revealed how tightly I attach identity to output. It revealed how uncomfortable I get when I'm not operating at a hundred percent. It revealed that part of me still needs performance to feel secure. And that's not comfortable to admit, but it is honest. And you don't get anywhere unless you're honest. You can't identify what the problem is and get the root to it unless you're honest with yourself. And this has been weighing heavily on my mind the entire week. And I've been trying to think of all these different ways to reframe things, and I figured out this that the bar didn't get lighter. That's that's it, and we'll explain what I'll explain what that means. But that is the reframe that steadied me. I did not get weaker. I know that for sure. I added weight without adjusting my expectations. The role expanded, responsibility increased, decision making load multiplied. And I expected my training, my creativity, and my output to stay identical. And I realized that is very unrealistic. Cognitive load is real and decision fatigue is real. When one domain increases, something else has to flex. You have to bend somewhere. But here's the mistake we interpret flexing as a decline. We interpret temporary redistribution as regression. No, it's not that. It is load. You don't lose you didn't lose strength. You're simply lifting more. And as someone who loves the gym, I love this analogy. Because when you're in the gym, like caveat here, I actually, for the first time ever this week, I saw someone drop uh a weight on their chest when they were doing the bench press. It was a kid. Uh, I don't think he knew what he was doing, but um he dropped two 45s on his chest. And um it's kind of like that, the situation that I'm in. Like I went under that bar, I put three 45s on each side, and boom, I didn't know how to handle it. And because I didn't know how to handle it, I thought I failed. When in reality, I gotta I gotta start working out more, I gotta get stronger in order to uh be able to hold that bar and and actually do the reps. And so that's it's kind of something that I I thought was interesting and at least helped me look at the situation a little differently. Uh, instead of thinking that I was a failure, uh, I realized that I was I'm trying to add more to the plate. And that's not easy, but I think that's part of growth. That that time where you feel like everything's against you and you might not be cut out for this thing, and that you might be a fraud, that might just be be that might just be simply because you're trying to grow. You're trying to put yourself in those uncomfortable situations. And the fear of exposure is an interesting one because I I don't think I'm a fraud. I actually believe I follow through on most of the things I say I'm going to. But your brain is interesting, it knows your weaknesses, it knows what you're afraid of, and I think it it really pulled on that lever this week to make me feel afraid, to make me believe that I'm someone who I'm I'm not. And this is the deeper layer. Like when my performance dipped, I started asking, was I only disciplined when things were easy? Was I only strong when the load was manageable? And that's a dangerous spiral. Because if your identity is built on dominating conditions, what happens when conditions change? Michael Gervais says, pressure is a privilege. And I'm sure you've heard that before, it's a very used quote, but pressure also exposes you. It exposes your stress tolerance, your emotional regulation, your attachment to validation, and your need for momentum. And this week did expose me. And I'm grateful that it did, honestly. It's times like this where you're able to identify things that you need to work on. That is all part of growth. You don't grow when everything feels smooth. I'm learning that very quickly and in real time. But you grow when you're forced to operate under strain without unraveling. You gotta hold it together. You gotta stay strong. There's people who depend on you, and you gotta keep going. Now let's talk about performance growth versus capacity growth. What does that mean? Because I've learned that there's two types performance and capacity. Performance growth is visible. It looks like miles logged, revenue closed, episodes released, PRs hit. Capacity growth is invisible. That looks like emotional steadiness, stress tolerance, identity stability, and decision clarity under fatigue. And this week wasn't performance growth, it was capacity growth for me. And capacity growth feels like regression at first, but that's simply because it's not flashy. It's internal. It is internal. The only person who sees it is you. And if this season lasted six months, I asked myself, who would I become if I managed it correctly? And I believe I would be calmer, I'd be able to handle more stress, I'd be more precise, less reactive, less ego-driven, and more durable. The ego-driven piece is interesting because I, you know, I'd I like to believe I don't have an ego. I'm not very egotistical. But again, this week exposed me. It showed me that, yeah, I actually do have an ego. I I don't like when I can't be the strongest or be the fastest. And that's ridiculous. Because at the end of the day, there's people who are stronger, faster. Like my wife uh says this quote. I don't know where she heard it from, but there's always gonna be someone who's prettier, smarter, faster, richer, and better than you. Maybe not better, but you know what I mean. Like there's always gonna be someone who's doing a little bit better than you, and that's okay. But that version of me is stronger than the one who casually runs 30 miles. That's only if I don't waste it. And the reason being is I I believe that strength, emotional strength, is one of the hardest things to come by these days. And yes, running 30 miles is admirable and it's very impressive. But I think what's more impressive is can you handle your emotions in high stress situations? Can you still show up and be the man that you need to be when you're exhausted? Those are all very important questions, and and life is not just about performance. Like it's not just about, hey, I'm gonna go run 30 miles, I'm gonna go compete in high rocks. What life is about is how you how you act and how you respond to the day-to-day issues that come up. That's what makes a real person um admirable, in my opinion, at least. Some people have different opinions, but I believe that that is something that is very admirable, is if you're able just to be level headed during those times. And I recognize that you waste this kind of suffering when when you mislabel it. You waste it when you resent the responsibility, you quit training entirely, you abandon the podcast because it's not perfect. You interpret redistribution as failure, and you protect ego instead of adjusting intelligently. Each of those things I just listed, the things that would consider it a waste if I did, I went through each of those this week. So this is very fresh. This is on my mind. And James Clare says it very clearly. That's ironic. His name's James Clare. But he says this quote that I love, and I'll explain why. You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems. Under stress, motivation's gone. This is Brett now. Under stress, motivation's gone. But what's left is a system. If you don't adjust your system, stress will beat you. So you gotta you gotta plan accordingly. You gotta get ready for that moment. Now, if you're in a similar season to what I've been describing this podcast, here's what to do. First, separate data from story. The data says that I ran 10 miles. The story tells me that I'm a fraud. You separate both of those. Instead, you should ask, what actually happened? What meaning am I adding? That space, that's where your power lies. And Victor Frankel says, between stimulus and response, there is a space. So your job is to guard that space. Make sure you're protecting it. Especially when things are hard, protect that space. That's important. You need that time to think, pause, and then decide on how you're gonna progress or how you're going to continue. Adjust the load, not your identity. Maybe you don't run 30 miles, but maybe you run 8 to 12 consistently. You need to maintain rhythm. It's frequency over ego volume. Stay the kind of person who shows up even if the numbers change. Number three, protect the inputs. Under stress, sleep becomes sacred, fuel becomes non-negotiable, doom scrolling becomes expensive, and extra decisions become unnecessary. You cannot increase output while neglecting inputs. That's immaturity, and capacity growth requires stewardship. Number four, define who you are at 60%. This is an interesting one. But who are you when you're not dominant? Are you reactive, defensive, withdrawn, or steady, measured, and intentional? That's identity work, and that's something that you need to spend time doing. Is understanding where you are in those moments. And if you don't like the answer, how are you going to change that? And it matters more than any mileage number, in my opinion. Now, if you follow those four steps, it will show you that you are not a failure. You are not someone who quits early. You are not someone who caves under pressure. It might feel that way. It really might, but that's because your body's stressed. Your mind is fatigued. And you just have to be patient. That's what like a big lesson that I've had to learn this week is I know I'm not going to be an expert overnight on how to close enterprise deals. But I do know I will get there by small and steady actions. Small and consistent, steady actions. Consistency is a big piece there. I was talking to my wife about this a little bit, and I was telling her how frustrated I am with how I've been performing. And I remember she she looked at me and she said, hey, you just need to get the reps in. You know, you need more at bats. I'm going to have some good pitches, I'm going to have some really bad pitches. But you learn from each of those of those opportunities. If you believe that you bombed a pitch, then go back and figure out what went wrong and how to avoid it next time. If you feel like you did really well in a pitch, do the same thing. But what went well and how can you replicate that for the next call? And I just remember thinking first, wow, this woman is an angel and she understands me completely. And two, there's a lot of truth to that. Even with running, I didn't become an ultra marathoner overnight. It took years. Took me about three years to become an ultra marathoner. And, you know, that's just part of the process. I couldn't expect myself to go out and run 30 miles when the longest I had ran up to that point was five. Doesn't add up, doesn't make sense. Anyone who trains for a marathon or some other event like that understands that. That you need to really focus on the day by day, the actions that you perform day by day, and that consistency that follows. That's very important. And it's hard. It is hard. You know, everyone says that life is hard, but it's because of moments like this, where you feel like everything is crumbling on you, and you don't know how you're gonna end up in this situation. You don't know what's gonna happen. And I want to leave with a challenge. I want to leave you with a challenge. Because things are like like this will happen in your life, and when they do, I want you to be prepared. Because this week did not break me. It wanted to, but it didn't. Instead, it revealed something. It revealed that I still tie identity to output. It revealed that I expect expansion to feel comfortable when that's not the case. It revealed that when the load increases, I default to self-doubt. But it also revealed this I'm capable of stabilizing instead of spiraling. I'm sitting here, much more calm, being able to explain to you what I went through because I took the moment to stabilize myself instead of spiraling. I could have let my brain tell me all kinds of stories. I could have really been in a bad spot. But I didn't want to get there, and I knew that there was a danger if I let myself do it, do that. And the next time you have a week that shakes you, when things that used to be easy suddenly cost more, when the job stretches you, when your training dips, and when your mind begins to whisper, maybe you're not built for this. Don't immediately ask, what's wrong with me? Ask instead, what in this season, what is this season building in me? And then act accordingly. Lower the eagle, ego, adjust the load, protect the inputs, and stay consistent at sixty percent. Operate like an adult under strain. Because anyone can look strong when life is smooth. That's easy. Very few people remain steady when it's heavy. If this season lasts six months, who will you become? That's the real question. Don't waste it. I appreciate you guys for listening to this episode. I uh apologize for not having one up last week, but I hope you can maybe be a little bit graceful with uh after hearing this episode with some of the things I've been going through. But um it's moments like moments like this that really test you. But it's also moments like this that teach you the most about yourself. And I'm not through it. I'm not through this this difficult season yet. Um, in fact, I think I'm just at the tip of the iceberg. But I after that last week, I know what's coming, and I'm gonna prepare accordingly for it. And when things don't go well, I'm not gonna spiral. I'm gonna try and reframe my experiences. But really appreciate you guys for listening. Sorry, I'll uh I'll wrap up now. But I I do genuinely appreciate you all for listening to the show. It means a lot, and I keep going because of you guys. I keep doing getting after it because I know that there's some lesson out there that might help one person. And I appreciate that. And if this helped at all, please please feel free to share it with someone who might be going through a hard time, who might be adjusting, who might be uh under a lot of pressure. Send it to that person. And if it helped you at all, please leave a rating on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. That helps the show grow, helps it gain a little bit more visibility in the algorithm and get pushed out to more people. But really, getting after it is not just about physical performance, it's about the the day to day struggles, it's about how you manage stress, how you uh show up when everything seems like it's it's falling apart. That's what's important. So, thank you guys so much for listening. And until next episode, everybody, keep getting after it.