Getting After It

168 - Every 13 Minutes: The Silent Crisis in Men

• Brett Rossell • Season 5 • Episode 168

Share episode

Men make up nearly 80% of suicide deaths. And yet, so many of us suffer in silence.

In this episode, I open up about a chapter of my life I’ve never shared in full — the identity crisis that nearly broke me, the intrusive thoughts I couldn’t escape, and how something as simple as a sunset… started to pull me back.

I talk about:

  • Why men often hide their pain
  • The connection between identity, stagnation, and depression
  • How gratitude isn’t soft — it’s a mental weapon
  • The role of running in facing inner chaos
  • Why silence is the enemy and vulnerability is strength

Whether you’re in a dark place or trying to support someone who is — this episode may help and I hope it does. 

You are not alone. 

You are not weak. 

And this chapter of your life is not the end of the story.

Keep Going. Keep Getting After It.

–––––––––––––––––-

Website: Keepgettingafterit.com

Follow on X: @bcrossell
Subscribe on YouTube: @gettingafteritpodcast
Follow on Instagram: @bcrossell
Follow on TikTok: gettingafterit_podcast

I hope today’s episode sparked something within you to pursue your dreams and unlock your true potential. If you found value in it, consider sharing it with someone who might need that same push.

Getting After It is for those who. want to silence their self-doubt. Refuse to be owned by comfort. Understand their limits are man-made and breakable. We live in a time of constant comparison. Social media drowns us in highlight reels and overnight success stories. But what most people don’t see is the grit behind it all. The reps. The quiet mornings. The sacrifices. The failures.

You are just getting started. Keep Getting After It. 

Send us a text

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome back, my friends. I am happy that you're here today. I wanted to kind of have a different episode than I usually do, you know. Usually I'm talking about fitness or having a guest on to share their story about what they've done to get after it. And uh this is gonna be a little bit of a heavier episode, so just uh little warning there, and um, it might upset some people because we're gonna be talking about men's mental health. Um and I'm gonna talk about my own journey, my own story and what I've had to deal with in my life, things that have gotten me through, things that have helped. And it's gonna be very honest and real, so I'm not gonna hold back a lot of the things that I I talk about. And November is men's mental health month. Um before we go anywhere else with this topic, I want to ground the conversation in reality and and talk about the actual data behind what our our I guess really everyone in the the world in terms of men are facing. So the numbers are shocking. When I when I saw these, um I was kind of taken aback a little bit because like it's it's a scary thing, and we'll talk about why. I think it's a a hard thing for men, but um the actual numbers are shocking. So globally, one in eight men live with a diagnosable mental health disorder. So that's things like depression, anxiety, um, you know, schizophrenia, those kind of things. Um in the US, it's closer to one in five men. And that's pretty wild. Every single year, one in five men will get diagnosed with some kind of mental health disorder. And I don't like calling them disorders. Um honestly, like I look at mental health the same way I look at being sick, physically sick. You know, if your brain is plagued with depression or anxiety or something else that's going on, um, you would treat it the same as you would if you had the flu. Like you want to make sure that you get taken care of. And that was something I never really understood until I was married and talked to my wife about it. Um and she helped me understand that piece is that hey, if you were sick, you would get antibiotics, you would take care of your body, you would get rest, you would eat some good food, and just let your body pass through and get over this. Same thing goes for mental health uh disorders and in problems. Um, you know, medication is out there that that helps many men and and people in general, but um anyways, I I think going back to the numbers, one thing that uh as I was doing my research, many of the experts who were talking about you know, the the one in five men every single year, um, many of them believe that those numbers are under-reported. They think that they're lower than they actually are because men stay silent. We're not the best at talking about our feelings. We're not talking, we're not the best at expressing exactly how we feel at every single given moment. Um, I've gotten better as the years have gone gone on, but still, I I wouldn't say that I'm an expert. Um so nearly half of men say that they feel more depressed and they don't tell anyone. Um, and then here's the dark part. Here's the scary thing that when I read this, I I got sick to my stomach. But in 2023, men died by suicide at a rate nearly four times higher than men. Men are 50% of the population, but 80% of suicide deaths. A man dies by suicide in America every 13 minutes. Every 13 minutes. Let that sit for a moment. This is not a small problem. This is not a men should tough it out problem. This is a crisis. It's a quiet one, and it's a deadly one. And I've been through this. I really have. Like, mental health is something that I've struggled with quite quite a bit. I've I've had eating disorders, um, I've had states of depression, and each time I'm always scared when I go through it. I think many of the reasons I I am scared is because like the thoughts that come into my head are very intrusive. They I don't want them there, and yet they still show up, and it's hard to control them. Um, I'm someone who hyper focuses on on my thoughts. Um, I like to think a lot, but when those thoughts are interrupted by you know depression or um thoughts of suicide, like it scares the hell out of me. And it's it's something that I wish more men talked about because I think we face it more than um like those numbers said, like they're lower than they actually are reported to be. Um but back in around 2023, I was going through a big transition. Uh at my job, I was I was working really hard, um, but seeing no growth, seeing no opportunity to to find you know the next step for me in my career. Uh, I was, you know, still hitting on my numbers and sales and and doing what I should have done, but I felt like I was very stagnant. And as someone who preaches and talks about you know personal growth and and progression and really trying to do your best, uh, that did not sit well with me. And so, you know, the the thoughts started slow, like they started pretty light. I would call myself, you know, hey, you're kind of a loser, like you're not doing much. And those would progress to like you're kind of a terrible guy, like you're you're not a great man. And then those got even worse, and it was like, you should you should probably die. Like as hard as that might be to hear, those were like thoughts that went through my head, and it was scary. Like, you know, I'm just sitting there at work, and then all of a sudden, all these thoughts, these intrusive thoughts, flood my brain, and that's the scariest part. They felt automatic. It was like a virus was in my mind, and I couldn't shut it off. And I wasn't myself, I wasn't growing. And the thing that hurts me the most is I wasn't showing up for the people that I love. I was very selfish at this time, and I didn't want help from anyone. I thought I'd be able to figure it out on my own. I thought I was uh strong enough to be able to do that, and so I just kept it silent. I I didn't want to tell anybody, and they just continued to get worse. And it felt like I was in some kind of void where I had a loss of identity, you know, I was no longer progressing in all these things, and it affected every single, every single aspect of my life. It nearly took me out. Like I was angry, I was irritable, I was numb, I didn't feel anything. And that all led to depression. And it was a slippery slope, and it it took me a long time to get out of it, but I've I tried things like therapy. I I went on a medication, and I actually wasn't gonna share that part because like even me sitting here, like talking about men's mental health and how you know I wish that more men would talk about it and and be able to express themselves and um find help when they needed it. But I didn't want to talk about my medication because again, like I I in those thoughts, in those those times when I was depressed and I was trying to figure it out, I thought if I was to go on some kind of medicine, it would a hundred percent be a sign of weakness on my part. And so I I kind of swore that off that I wasn't gonna try any meds. Um eventually I did, and it actually did help quite a bit. Um I was diagnosed with OCD, and the medicine that I'm on is specifically for those who have OCD. Um in that, but like here's the thing I wouldn't know if I was diagnosed with OCD if I didn't actually go to the the doctor and talk to them about what was going on and what my thoughts were like, and and because I have OCD, like when I have an intrusive thought, I will hyperfixate on it and focus on it and think about it and and really just dissect every part of that thought, and it'll take up my whole day. It used to take up my whole day. I've gotten much better now, but um it was a really scary time. Like I hate to say this, and I'm kind of embarrassed to say it, but I I want to be honest in this this conversation, but I was very not obsessed, but I thought a lot about taking my own life. Um it makes me so sad to say that now because my life is great, it's beautiful, and I have an amazing wife, and I cannot even imagine leaving her, um leaving her alone, and specifically that way. That is I I just can't imagine doing that. Um and I still face some of these thoughts, they're not as strong as they used to be, and I've I've been able to focus on getting through them instead of hyperfixating on them, and you know, that's we'll talk about some of the things that I've done and things that have helped me in the past, but um you know I was nervous during that time. I was really scared. Um I didn't know I didn't know what was gonna happen with me. Um because like I felt so such a strong loss of identity. Um I was in this transition in my life, and it was just it was hard for me to function. My my mental state was rough. I was uh, you know, I had intense brain fog. I lost a lot of weight. Um I was a shell of the human that I am now. And it's all because I I let that boil inside of me and fester inside of me. Um up until the point to where I was just you know okay with what was going on in life, and you know, I didn't care, I didn't have any passions. I didn't I didn't want to try anything, and um, I didn't want to push myself. Again, that's a really scary thought because I'm always I've I like to think that I'm someone who always tries to to push and grow. Um But I I've I've learned a lot about myself during this time. Uh but I want to talk about some of the things that have actually gotten me through it. So during that time, um I fell in love with sunsets. That's as weird as that sounds. Uh, but I I live in Utah, um and the sunsets up there are so gorgeous, especially when you know it goes behind the mountains, and it's just a beautiful, beautiful thing to see. Um, and I remember when I would go out and look at the sunset, I always told myself that, hey, I told myself, I'm hey, Brett, I'm proud of you. You made it another day. And there's something interesting about sunsets, you know, they're beautiful, they are they're quiet, um, and it's just peaceful. Like those are really peaceful moments for me. Uh, I remember Jocko, he talked about uh he says the same thing about sunrises, but he says, you know, he's grateful every day that he wakes up and he can see another sunrise. And for me, you know, I was just glad that I was able to get through each day and end it with a sunset. And I knew if I was able to do that, if I was able to look outside, see the sun going down, I would recognize that hey, I'm still here, I'm still pushing, and I'm gonna get better. And it was that little moment of gratitude where I kind of recognized that, that you can find beauty in the small things. Um I remember one night I was outside, Allie was in Arizona because she's she's a pilot down in Mesa. Um, but I remember I was outside on our our back patio and um I was watching the sun go down, and I just felt intense gratitude. I I was so grateful that I was still here, that I was starting to feel better, and most importantly, I was grateful for my circumstances. As strange as that might sound, you know, because I was depressed and I was in this pretty rough shape, but I was grateful because there were so many other people out there, and there's there are so many people out there still today who have situations that are much worse than mine, yet they find joy. And there's this quote from um President Russell M. Nelson, he was the last prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but he says the the joy in our lives is directly correlated to what we focus on. It's it's that's not the exact quote, but um something along those lines that our joy in life is completely it completely revolves around what we focus on. And that is a truth that I have learned. Um, because in that time where I was depressed and I I had thoughts of taking my own life, I thought about those things. And I didn't think about what I had, I didn't think about the things that were going well in my life, and and little things like like my physical health and um the fact that I have a loving wife, and that's not a little thing. I take that back. That's a huge thing. Um, but my physical health, you know, the the fact that I have a car, like little tiny things. I would try and find gratitude in every single day. I got to the point to where I I had a gratitude journal, and I would start my day just writing down three things that I was grateful for. It's kind of a common thing I I believe many people do, but um for me at that time, it just allowed me to pause and really focus on you know what I am grateful for and what I am um thankful in my life uh for things that have that have happened to me. Um and going back to the gratitude piece, I started very small, it began with those sunsets, and I was just proud I was able to make it another another day. But that was gratitude in its simplest form. And slowly it changed me. Like it's not gonna be an overnight change for you, and and it wasn't for me. And so I want to make that clear like gratitude is not gonna be the um it's not gonna be the magic potion that cures you of your mental health issues. No, I don't think that's the case, but I think it's in a an a very powerful catalyst to get you out of the situation. Um it doesn't erase the pain, it gives you a place to stand though while you heal. And gratitude became my anchor and almost my reset button. Like my reminder that even when life feels unbearable, there are things worth noticing, worth valuing, and worth staying alive for. Uh, over the years, I've I've had conversations with close friends, um, you know, my brothers and and other men in my life, and the pattern is always pretty similar. Uh, we carry pressure, uh we we put a lot of pressure on ourselves, men do. Just with you know, providing and working hard, uh trying to take care of the people in our lives. We suppress what we feel. We don't want to burn it at burden anyone. We don't want to look weak. And we don't want to fail the people who are counting on us. If you're a man, I'm sure one of those things rang true to you. I'm sure you have dealt with one of those thoughts before. You know, you don't want to burden anybody, so why would you tell them about your problems? You don't want to be that guy. I was definitely, I had those thoughts. You don't want to look weak. You know, if you go and you ask someone for help, you might not be the strong man that you always thought you were. I faced that. I really faced that. That was a hard thing for me to go through. And you don't want to fail the people counting on us. This was always something that I I struggle with as well. Like, I didn't want to go to my wife and say, hey, Al, I'm depressed. I'm having a hard time. Because I didn't want her to lose her faith in me as a man, to be able to, you know, handle the hardships of life, to be able to continue on and find the joy. I didn't want to tell her that. I didn't I didn't want to feel like I was failing her because, you know, I'm married to this beautiful, amazing woman, and I'm depressed. I didn't want her to think that that was because of her. And I've learned that silence is not a strength. It's a killer. And I mean that in the in the most true terms. It is not uh a strength to be silent. It is going to it it I won't say it's gonna kill you, but um it's not good. That is not a good thing to do. The men around me who finally opened up to me and and they talked to me, it was because they wanted to. And they did it because, you know, they thought they were breaking. And every single one of them said so pretty much the same thing afterwards. Or something along these lines, but very similar. I didn't know talking about it would help this much. It's a simple thing to do, but it's hard. It's simple, but it's not easy. Opening up about your feelings and talking about them. I'm still pretty trash about talking about my feelings. I I have a hard time expressing myself, and um Allie always says this. She's always like, You wear your emotions on your face. And so she's like, Are you upset? And I'm like, No. And I just I look like I'm mad, like I'm like this. And she's like, Are you upset? I'm like, no. Um, but really, like I I always thought, you know, just suppressing it was the right thing to do when in reality that's that's the worst. Um so let's talk about some of the things that have really helped me. Um first, and I bet you can guess what it is, but running. Running is is the probably one of the most important things I can do for my mental health. Um, I believe it's a mirror. And I also believe that that running saved me in more ways than one. Not because you know, endurance sports magically fix everything, they don't, but because running, running forced me to be honest, it forces honesty. There's this great quote from Cameron Hand. No, I think it's from David Goggins. David Goggins, where he says, you can't fake suffering. You have to be completely real when you're suffering. And that is true. Like you have to deal with your thoughts. When you run, you can't escape your thoughts. Um, you can't distract yourself with screens or with noise. Like you might be able to play some music or listen to podcasts, but at the end of the day, your thoughts are going to be more powerful than those. And you can't hide from the truth. Just yesterday, I was out in the Santan Mountains with Drew, and we were running. Um like it was cold in the morning. It was beautiful though. Like we were watching the sunrise as we were running, but somehow during the run we got separated. Um, I came down a pass and I just kept going and um I was feeling good, so I just maintained my speed. And all of a sudden I turn around and I don't know where Drew is. Um, and I didn't have headphones on that because usually when we go running together, I like talking to him the whole time. So I didn't have any headphones, and the only thing I had was my thoughts, and it really hit me at that time. Like, running is my mirror, it's it's my outlet. Um, it's my reminder that discomfort won't kill me. Like, that's that's really it. If I'm uncomfortable in a situation, it's not gonna kill me. And every time I run, I face the things that I've been avoiding in my head. And by the time I finish, that weight that I've been carrying feels a little bit lighter. Um, you might not understand this until you actually go and try it. And so this might be my my challenge for you is if you are dealing with some kind of mental challenge right now, you don't even have to go for a run. Maybe it's just a walk. But just be alone with your thoughts. Just think about the things that are bothering you. And when you're walking or running, you're gonna have better thoughts. Come because you're you're moving your body. And I don't know why, but those two things kind of go hand in hand is your thinking power and your your movement. Um so that's just a couple things. But every time I run, the reason I say it's my mirror is because I you look in the mirror, you see yourself. Like you're looking directly at yourself. And when I'm running, it's almost like my a mirror for my thoughts. Like I have to go in there, I have to go into my brain and think about what's going on, what I want to focus on. Like, if I'm thinking about a podcast, I'll think about certain topics or or quotes or stories that I've heard that might be relevant. Um, I'll think about Jesus Christ. Uh, I think about him a lot when I'm running, uh, and just how grateful I am for him. But really, it's just a time for me to think. And whatever's on my mind that day, that's usually the thing that is top of mind on my run. So that has helped me quite a bit. And I know running's not for everybody, but I will say there's a few others that I I wrote down that um have helped me too. So if you listen to the podcast, you know I'm a big journaling guy, and this is another thing I would suggest. Write down your thoughts that you're too scared to speak. The ones that you're afraid to even look at. Write them down, put them somewhere outside of your head, get them out there, and let them breathe. Let those thoughts be there. And I also love journaling because it shows your your thoughts over time. Like now I have a catalog of all my my journals um for about three years now. Um, so I have three years worth of journals in my Apple notes, and I can go back to the times where I knew I was struggling and read those. And when I look back on them now, it doesn't even feel like it's my own writing because I was such in a different headspace. Um, but it gives me hope. And it gives me hope because I know if I ever have to deal with this again, I'll get through it. So that's why I love journaling so much. It just gives me a chance to get my thoughts out of my head, to write them down and leave them there. The other thing is gratitude. Like, like I said, you can start with three things each morning that you're grateful for. You can write them down, uh, put them in your phone, uh, you could text them to yourself, like it doesn't matter. But that's a simple exercise that at least shows you that you do have more things to be grateful for than you thought. Big or small, it doesn't matter. But gratitude rewires your perception of reality and what you have and the things that are going well in your life. Because a lot of the times we kind of overlook many of the things we should be grateful for because life moves fast, we're distracted, or we're doing something else, like we're busy. So take a moment and pause and think about what you do have to be grateful for. The third thing kind of goes along with running, but I would just say hard exercise in general, like not for the aesthetics, not for looking, but really for your mind. Uh, movement clears mental fog like nothing else for me. And I've looked at the research on this particular uh piece of what we're talking about with working out in your your mental thoughts, and almost all psychologists say that it is very important for you to move your body. You know, humans are not meant to be stagnant. So if you're sitting around a lot, if you're not moving very much, that'll add up. And your body needs to move. I almost look at exercise as kind of like a vitamin. And you know, you take a vitamin every day and you're supposed to start feeling better, it's supposed to, you know, take care of you. If you're taking D3, like it builds you your immunity. Um, you know, there's all certain things that these supplements and these vitamins do for your body. Uh, but exercise is almost like a vitamin for the mind. And the body too. Like it's really good for you. But it clears out your mind. Because when you're doing something incredibly hard, you're not gonna be focusing on on what's bothering you. You're gonna be focusing on making sure you don't die with this exercise. You're gonna be pushing yourself. Um the fifth one, the fifth one is the most important to me. And it's faith. Like, I know that God carried me through the moments that I couldn't carry myself. I still believe that today. I know that Jesus Christ absolutely understands every single thing that I go through. He suffered for all of us, not just for our sins, but all our emotional pains too. And I know that is true because he did it for me. I would pray to him every single night, and I would I would pray for extra strength. And I received it. I got that strength. I'm still here today. And let me tell you, the thoughts that I had, the intrusive suicidal thoughts, were so strong. It was scary. I didn't recognize myself. But I knew Jesus Christ knew exactly how I felt. And I would just think about him a lot, and uh he helped me. Um He helped me quite a bit, and he still does today, but having my faith rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ was the number one thing that kept me going. I knew I was gonna be able to get through it, I knew that um Christ could help me through. And there's a verse, I can't remember where it is, but where Christ in the New Testament says, Come all those who are something along these lines, but all those who are heavy laden, come unto me, and I will give you rest. And I trusted that, and I I had to believe that that was the case, that God was going to be able to give me rest from my situation, from these thoughts, from the fact that I wanted to take my life. I wanted rest from all those, and I wanted it so bad, and the only reason I got it was because of Christ. He gave me strength, he pushed me through, and he carried me when I couldn't carry myself. You might not be someone who believes in God, someone who but doesn't believe in Jesus Christ, but believe in something greater than yourself and hope for something greater. Like Jesus Christ gives me hope. And if I have hope, I can keep going. Even when life is dark, even when I do have those intrusive thoughts, He pushes me along and he helps me through it. It's one of those things that you have to practice in order to really see the benefit of. But I'm telling you, it's it works, and it is true, and I will talk to anyone about that if they want to learn more. Reach out to me. But for men, this is the thing I want you to take away from this episode. Is if yeah, if there's one thing that I want you to leave with today, it's these. One, you are not alone. There's so many men who go through this. You're not alone, you're not broken, you're not some anomaly. It's it's completely natural. Like recognize you're not alone and that there's people who want to help. If you need help and you don't know who to ask, ask me. I will I will call you, I will jump on Instagram, DM you, whatever you need. I will do it. But you are not alone. And the second is that this is not permanent. It might feel like it is, it might have been going on for years. Um, I know some people, unfortunately, have depressive episodes that last years. Um, but it will end. And I'm telling you, you must have hope for that. You have to believe that that is the case, and you have to work towards it. Like, do not just sit around and be idle during this time. Focus on what you need to do. Focus on what the next step is going to be. You can find it, but you have to just maintain the mind. Momentum and have hope that this is not gonna be your life forever. Because it wasn't my life forever. My life, like I said, is beautiful and I love it. And I'm so grateful for the things that I'm able to do and for the fact that I'm still here. That's a big one for me, is that I'm still here. I am I am pushing myself, I am living life, I go through my own struggles, but I get to see a sunset every night. And that's something that is very important to me. And if I was going back to myself in those moments where I where I struggled a lot and I was having those thoughts of suicide, and I didn't want to be there anymore, I would tell myself that there is a future version of yourself, Brett, that is worth fighting for. There is a future for you, and you need to have hope in that and you need to work towards it. It's worth fighting for. Also, there are people who love you more deeply than you even realize, and you are stronger than the thoughts that are trying to break you. You're not broken. Thoughts might might tell you that you are, but you're not broken. You can get through this. Now, if this episode spoke to you, if you're in the dark right now, if you're only holding on by a thread, I want you to know this. You are still here. And that matters. Start small. Notice the sunset. Write one sentence. Call one friend. Take one step. Say one prayer. Breathe one deep breath. And keep going. Because lives change in the smallest ways. I appreciate you guys listening to this episode. I know it was a little bit of a heavier topic, but it's one that's very important to me. I've gone through this. I know it's not easy. Yet I know that it can be overcame. You can become stronger because of it. You have to have hope. You have to have faith. You have to push yourself just a little bit. Get uncomfortable. Because your life is worth way more than depression. Will make it seem like it is. You are worth way more than you think. And I'm here for you. Many people are here for you. You're not alone in this. And I'm glad you're still here. If this episode helped you at all, please share it with a friend. I want this one to be this is a very important topic to me. So if you know anyone who's struggling, maybe send it to them. Like I said, you can always feel free to reach out to me on uh in my DMs or um you can leave a comment. Doesn't matter. But just know that you can get through this. I did. And I didn't think I could. Yet here I am. And I'm so grateful that I'm here. And I'm glad you're here too. Thank you guys so much for listening to this episode. And as always, keep getting after it.